Wednesday, November 3, 2010

On Biting, Pooping, and other Extreme Sports

The child has five teeth, and she uses them well.

Not on my nipples, thank heavens, although come to think of it she bit me this morning.  But not hard.  It's just like a little test bite, and it happens whenever a tooth has just come through.  The rest of the time she just bites my shoulder.  Hard.

The problem is that it's not aggressive biting, and it's not hahaha-you-make-a-funny-noise biting.  It's comfort biting, and sometimes--I swear to God--
affectionate biting.  What's to be done about that?  She bites me out of love!  Just like a vampire!    Swoon!

 "Heh heh heh.  I bet she thinks I'm pulling her hair out of love, too."

I really don't know what to do about the biting.  I say "No!" and tug her off and try not to have her take layers of my flesh with her, and she lays off for a while, but then she's back at it soon after.  And then there's fun zombie baby eating my face biting--but that consists mostly of drool and her going "rraaaaaagggghhhh!" and is entirely hilarious and really quite terrifying and I almost had her be a zombie for Halloween but we figured she'd probably just eat the makeup.

A zombie vampire baby.  That's what I have.  What were the odds?

But then if you look at the picture right here, with her halo of hair and angelic expression, you would never believe me.  Angel zombie vampire baby.

Only not really, because right there, in that picture?  She is making the most enormous, rank, horrifying poop ever known to man.

Here's what she does: she stores up her poop for days, making me nervous and making me feed her lots of fiber, and she builds it up like a prize fighter building up his strength, and then she lets loose in one colossal diaper that of course cannot contain all of this and it gets all over her clothes and her legs and her back and she screams about why it is that I can't just change her diaper without having to also change her clothes all the time and frankly it's her own fault but she won't believe me.

Poopmonster angel zombie vampire baby. 

PS Any UK readers--help!!  I confess, I am stumped, stymied, and dying to know where What To Knit is in Yarn Forward.  I've checked the November issue, and nada--is it coming out in December?


Anonymous said...

Not from the UK, but I skimmed a Yarn forward mag yesterday. That's why I'm here. I do believe it was the December issue.

kate said...

I love how she's pulling that fabric tight to help things along the way.