Goodbye, First Trimester! I'll miss you! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!
Except no. Because you're being like a party guest who won't leave, aren't you? You're the guy who only got invited because I'm friends with your wife, but she's long since fallen asleep on the couch, and you're just sitting there eating all our snacks and putting your feet up on our nice clean furniture.
Party's over, pal. Hit the road.
Or if not, somebody please get me another book, because I just started this one a day and a half ago and I'm almost done already and the damn thing is 800 pages long and so have been all the other books I've blown through in the last month. I'm back to me-in-middle-school reading levels. It's the only thing that distracts me from the nausea (I wouldn't mind reading something a little less heavy, though).
So here's the thinking. If I reread everything I own (okay, not everything, because I'm actually only interested in a very specific type of book, i.e. fantasy adventure, but hey, at least those are long. And, um, I have my fair share of them), and buy everything that every author I like has written that I haven't read yet, I should make it through most of the pregnancy and still have maybe a Harry Potter or two leftover to read during the less exciting hours of childbirth (possibly with somebody else holding them, because I'm sure I'll be even more tired of heavy-ass books by then).
I'm sure I'm deluding myself, and that won't even remotely be an option, but I have lots of time to fantasize about it (you know, between the bouts of nausea and overwhelming exhaustion) so feel free to just let me live with my balloon unpunctured.
Edited to add:
Yo, you know what else is weird? I've been having these crazy sideaches when I go to bed, like I've just been jogging or something, which obviously I haven't been doing, and I asked the nurse practitioner who randomly calls me about it, and you know what it's from? It's from my organs and my hipbones shifting and moving to make room for the growing uterus and prepare for the birth. I'm basically a transformer. Next thing you know, I'll have werewolf goop all over me when I wake up in the morning.
It's possible that I should read different books.