Monday, December 12, 2011

Nikki-Leaks

 
GUEST BLOGGER: DAVE

Nikki would kill me if she knew I was doing this, and Willow’s grandma is way too polite to ever make fun of this ‘very important’ document, but I can’t resist, mainly because the level of detail is so insane. Here are the instructions that were left for our first-ever night away from Willow, when we were in Hawaii. Translations in CAPS.


Hey Mom,

I've tailored this to fit Friday and Saturday's plans--could you print it out so you guys will have it?  It is, as I said, a little crazy with the details.  Thank you!!!!!

TRANSLATION: IF YOU WANTED TO TATTOO IT ON YOUR FOREARMS OR THIGHS, I WOULDN’T OBJECT.

Willow’s Schedule

3/3:30 Snacktime. After she wakes up from her nap, it might be a good distraction to take her someplace--Punaluu, or Bird Park or something.  She could snack on the way--Triscuits and peeled and thinly sliced apples will probably be a big hit.

TRANS.: HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN CARE OF A BABY? HERE’S HOW IT’S DONE.

6:30 Dinnertime. I would suggest something simple, like pasta with red sauce. She’ll inhale that.  Or if you guys want to go out, since it's Hannah's last night, you could always try cold chicken and cucumber and grapes.

TRANS.: I’M AFRAID YOU’LL TRY AND FEED HER ONLY TRISCUITS AND CHEESE WHILE I’M ACROSS THE ISLAND, EATING AHI AND CHECKING MY PHONE EVERY OTHER MINUTE.

7:15 Start quiet time. Make sure the monitor is all set. Quiet play, talking, reading etc. She may want to run around, we just kind of don’t encourage it.

TRANS.: HELICOPTER PARENT, ME? NO. MICROMANAGER? YES.

7:45 Start getting ready for bed. Pick out a book to read, Turn on the white noise machine (next to the night light, which you should just leave on).
Change diaper, change into her pjs. The feet flip down. Brush teeth. This goes better if you let her brush herself for a bit, and then you say “Grandma’s turn” and sing a song while you brush her.

TRANS.: PLEASE DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME FOR BRINGING OUR WHITE NOISE MACHINE TO HAWAII. IT HELPS, IT REALLY DOES! SHE’S USED TO IT, OKAY? NO, I’M NOT DEFENSIVE.

8:00 or when you’re done brushing. Read the story you've picked out.  Turn out the lights, then hold her in your arms and sing either You Are My Sunshine or Moon River, then lay her in her crib and cover her with the blanket (her polka dot blanket, then the snowman fleece on top.  We're leaving the wool one hanging over the crib to block the night light a bit).  And sing Baby’s Boat’s a Silvery Moon or Hush Little Baby. Then say goodnight, and leave quietly, closing the door behind you.

TRANS.: IF YOU FORGET THE WORDS TO ANY OF THESE SUGGESTED SONGS, YOU’LL BE SCREWED.  ALSO, THE ORDER IN WHICH THE BLANKETS ARE PLACED?  CRUCIAL.

5:00 am Hopefully she’ll be sleeping this late by the time you guys have her for the night, but you should keep the monitor nearby just in case (sorry!) Roll up her pj feet so she doesn’t slip, but I wouldn’t bother trying to change her clothes or even her diaper until after breakfast—meltdown. She'll ask for milk right away--she gets two cups of the smaller babyish sippy cups.  She may want to sit on your lap and cudddle, which is nice.  If you can, try to push back breakfast until about 6:30 or 7—I usually take her on the porch, read stories, etc.  She's pretty cheery usually.

TRANS.: HA HA HA! SLEEP ‘TIL 5, AS IF! I’VE GIVEN YOU FALSE HOPE. BUT THIS WAS MAINLY TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER. 

6:30/7 am Breakfast time. I’d stick with oatmeal or something else easy—she doesn’t like pancakes or French toast that much (weird child).  Get dressed shortly after this, because her diaper will probably be ready to explode.  I'll leave an outfit out.  If you could bring her toothbrush and the white noise machine and some toys and books, I'll make sure we'll have everything else packed for her and in Kona already.

TRANS.: I DON’T TRUST YOU TO DRESS HER IN AN OUTFIT THAT I’LL WANT TO SEE HER IN. DON’T BE INSULTED: I DON’T TRUST DAVE IN THIS REGARD, EITHER. 

10 am Airport.  If she woke up super early, she may want to go to sleep on the way down the hill--DO YOUR BEST NOT TO LET THIS HAPPEN!  If she only sleeps for the 40 min or so it takes to go down, she'll be super unhappy and you'll have a very long drive to Kona.  I would suggest having the person who sits in the back play with her and give her snacks and do everything they can to keep her awake.  I'll pack her snack cup for you to take, and I'll make a pb&j for her lunch.

TRANS.: POKE HER IF YOU HAVE TO TO KEEP HER AWAKE. IF YOU DON’T, THE DAY WILL BE RUINED. GIVE HER A STARBUCKS BEVERAGE. DON’T PLAY AC/DC FOR HER AS THAT PUTS HER TO SLEEP.  AND HERE’S HOPING SHE WANTS TO EAT A DAY-OLD PB&J SANDWICH. BUT I DON’T TRUST YOU TO MAKE IT THE WAY SHE LIKES IT, SORRY.

11:30 am If I were you, I'd want to start heading to Kona now.  You can kill the time before that with a light lunch--pb&j. Maybe go to the zoo if you're feeling it--otherwise something easy like a park.  Then hop in the car and if she's having trouble going down, just keep quiet for a while--she'll pass out eventually. 

TRANS.: YOU WILL GET ON THE ROAD AT 11:30 AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. AGAIN, IF YOU DON’T DO THIS EXACTLY AS SUGGESTED, DAY’S LIKELY TO BE RUINED. AS FOR THE NOW TWICE-MENTIONED PB&J, IT’S GUARANTEED TO GET ALL OVER HER SHIRT, BUT I FORGOT TO LEAVE YOU INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW SHE SHOULD WEAR A BIB. MY BAD.

Thank you so much for doing this! I hope it’s fun!!!

TRANS.: I AM BITING MY NAILS AND SO DISTRACTED BY THE THOUGHT OF ALL THAT CAN GO WRONG THAT I’M LIKELY TO BE UNABLE TO RELAX AND ENJOY THE NEXT 24 HOURS, AND I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN EVER GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN. THE LEAD-UP ALONE IS SHEER TORTURE!


8 comments:

FoFo said...

Dave, she's gonna kill you when she sees this! LMBO

Laura said...

Thank you for risking your life for our amusement. :)

Laura said...

P.S. At least you didn't leave a 3 page list of translations like we used to...

Pah-shoo-ta = She wants prosciutto. NOT salami or ham or she'll scream. Please only feed her around $4 worth.

Dah-dohs = She wants tacos. We don't have any tacos, so please distract her with afore-mentioned prosciutto, and again, please no more than $4 worth.

Day-go-bah = We don't know what this means, but she says it a lot. You can use it as the special word for a drinking game. Help yourself to the Chimay. Please drink no more than about $8 worth (if it's the Blue) or $10 worth (if it's the Red).

If she does eat more than $4 worth of prosciutto, that's fine, but then have her go easy on the marcona almonds. In fact, don't give her almonds at all. Too salty. Please have her drink water. Plain is best, as she chokes on ice and if you give her sparkling water she'll slap you.

Nikki Van De Car said...

Mean. Very very mean.

And also entirely untrue! Er, mostly.

Maile asks for "bubble water" and then wipes her tongue off.

Dog Training said...

Oh Nikki, so good that you are not really upset with Dave. And yes, it was so funny!

Love you, Auntie Annie

Auntie Dawn said...

"Good heavens!", says Uncle Bob. You guys, this cracked me up because I actually saw the instructions. The funny thing is Diana was pretty glad they were there. (If you think Nikki was nervous, you should have seen Diana's face when you both left!!!) Very funny, Dave! Sorry, Nikki... but I'm sure you'll find some Dave-Leaks now to entertain us....

Vicki Suan said...

#1. Good God, I have a headache.
#2. Baby #2 will be easier.
#3. Better yet, start planning on baby #3. It'll be easier on Nikki.

Anonymous said...

haahah!! great instructions/trranslation. gaffed and gaffed and gaffed. i'm sure diana love the detail. lloyd probably TRIED to follow as told. how often did you call?